We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
I just tried to poach an egg and I now understand why eggs Benedict is $24
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
Stop sending me this shit.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
💀💀
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
