If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
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*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.