We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
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Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.