We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
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ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.