‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
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Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.