[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
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I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
shut up and take my money
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
Buying a well is money well spent.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.