Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
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Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
Vodka burrito was a success
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
Every time my phone rings
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.