We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
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Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
who wore it better?
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.