We buried my grandmother, yesterday.

She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.

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[after losing a rap battle]

me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts


I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.


Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here


Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…


Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.

If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.


I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.



-me after every wine at the wine-tasting


My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”


After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..


The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.