@TweetsByTheTony

We buried my grandmother, yesterday.

She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.

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@continentlbkfst

[after losing a rap battle]

me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts

@NYC_Blonde

I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.

@AnkCoupleTO

Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here

@TheBoydP

Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…

@BriarSly

Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.

If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.

@TheDairylandDon

I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.

@Jake_Vig

“Grapey.”

-me after every wine at the wine-tasting

@msdanifernandez

My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”

@djdarrellripley

After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..

@BoutCrazed

The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.