We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
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My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”