We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
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“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.