There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
– We buried my mother-in-law yesterday.
– Sorry to hear that. When did she die?
– My guess would be sometime this morning.
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Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
A couple’s having breakfast. He says, “Were you faking it last night?” She says, “No, I was really asleep.”
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
Wife: our daughter got her first time-out today.
Me: what does that mean?
Wife: she had to sit quietly in the corner by herself for 10 minutes.
Me: I’ll go talk to her.
Me: [to daughter] how do I get one of those time-outs?
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
Me: Thank you for getting me out of doing the laundry.
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.