– We buried my mother-in-law yesterday.
– Sorry to hear that. When did she die?
– My guess would be sometime this morning.

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There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.


Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.


A couple’s having breakfast. He says, “Were you faking it last night?” She says, “No, I was really asleep.”


Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.


Wife: our daughter got her first time-out today.

Me: what does that mean?

Wife: she had to sit quietly in the corner by herself for 10 minutes.

Me: I’ll go talk to her.

Wife: thanks.

Me: [to daughter] how do I get one of those time-outs?


My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.


Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.


[Being murdered]

Me: Thank you for getting me out of doing the laundry.


Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.