30 seconds into Taylor Swifts new song I started hoping Kanye would interrupt her.
– We buried my mother-in-law yesterday.
– Sorry to hear that. When did she die?
– My guess would be sometime this morning.
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Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
Don’t be sad, laundry.
nobody’s doing me either
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing for reference.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
If aliens are supposed to be so much more advanced than us, how did ET not know about texting?