@SamuelHLowe

– We buried my mother-in-law yesterday.
– Sorry to hear that. When did she die?
– My guess would be sometime this morning.

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@HannahAntics

30 seconds into Taylor Swifts new song I started hoping Kanye would interrupt her.

@Brampersandon_

Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn

@flashember

You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.

“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”

@1evilidiot

Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.

@BiIIMurray

Every Olympic event should include one average person competing for reference.

@Skoog

if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo

@sarcasticmommy4

My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.

@ArfMeasures

Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying

Me: And there’s no cure?

Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate

Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure

@SteveSuckington

If aliens are supposed to be so much more advanced than us, how did ET not know about texting?