THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
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Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
once someone was like “millennials don’t answer a door if they aren’t expecting anyone???” and i get why the 70s had so many serial killers
i only eat nature valley granola bars in the beds of my enemies.
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face