we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
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ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver