@SortaBad

We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji

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@rickolantern

You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.

@paulbarbar_II

I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”

She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”

@robfromonline

me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now

judge: it’s called “sentencing”

@ceejoyner

2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”

@FU_TangClan

Me: NOT TODAY SATAN

Satan: But-

Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!

Jesus: To be fair he did say not today

@dxblarssonENG

Top three reasons he doesn’t text you back:

1. He’s just not that into you
2. He’s imaginary
3. He’s a cat

@BradBroaddus

I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.

@Rollinintheseat

Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”

Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”

@ericsshadow

SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.

ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait