You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
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I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
Top three reasons he doesn’t text you back:
1. He’s just not that into you
2. He’s imaginary
3. He’s a cat
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait