No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
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mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
💁🏻♂️
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
I occasionally drink every single night.
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me