We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
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I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person