its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
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My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
[shakes fist at other fist]
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.