we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
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My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
If you’re going to attack me in an @, you better be prepared to give me like three hours or so to think of a good comeback.
me: this is free, right?
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
If you break up and get back together more than twice, I will not listen or care about your relationship problems you idiot.
I really wanted to remarry the woman I divorced a year ago, but she said I was only after my money.
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Parents that tell u “it’s just a little noise” when their kid cries on a train are the same ones who knock on ur door when the music is loud