@kelseydarragh

we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head

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@Faux_Ma

My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.

@tealbluejay

I touch myself when I think of you.

It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.

@gorrdano

If you’re going to attack me in an @, you better be prepared to give me like three hours or so to think of a good comeback.

@WilliamAder

So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?

@__candypants

If you break up and get back together more than twice, I will not listen or care about your relationship problems you idiot.

@caribbeanaj

I really wanted to remarry the woman I divorced a year ago, but she said I was only after my money.

@Book_Krazy

[Spelling Bee]

Her: Your word is consent.

Him: Can you describe the word?

Her: Yes.

@_PerziaN_

Parents that tell u “it’s just a little noise” when their kid cries on a train are the same ones who knock on ur door when the music is loud