@kelseydarragh

we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head

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@Marlebean

Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!

@DayneDimmick

I feel bad for spiders. I tripon my two feet all the time. Can only imagine the hell a clumsy spider goes through.

@ehdannyboy

Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.

@GingerGander

Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”

Two days have passed, no reply.

@ticknada

Anyone that says I’m a lover not a fighter has clearly never been in a relationship over 6 months

@BuckyIsotope

*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO

@Brentweets

Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.

@thedad

son: how did I get my name

me: *holds up baby name book*

son: ugh terrible

me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526

@HomeWithPeanut

Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?