We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
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I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?