a romantic scene where we’re running toward each other but then i run past you and pick up your dog
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
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When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
“Meh” -apathetic cow
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show