We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?

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a romantic scene where we’re running toward each other but then i run past you and pick up your dog


When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.


Me *has read one book all year*

Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books


My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.


When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.


I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.


Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.


Her: Where do you work?

Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…

Her: *starts choking on food*

Me: …on a TV show