Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
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Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
I love you to the refrigerator and back
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.