We can send a man to the moon but can’t turn a tap on when someone’s in the shower.

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“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion


For just $28,000, I will teach any politician or politician’s wife to wave like a normal human being.


No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”


My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today


If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.


I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like


Ladies, you should know that if I invite you to a movie I’m only after one thing: someone with a big purse I can store all my snacks in.


ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.


Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*


So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot