No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
You Might Also Like
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
no such thing as a dumb question
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.