“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
We can send a man to the moon but can’t turn a tap on when someone’s in the shower.
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For just $28,000, I will teach any politician or politician’s wife to wave like a normal human being.
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
Ladies, you should know that if I invite you to a movie I’m only after one thing: someone with a big purse I can store all my snacks in.
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot