honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
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37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ?/? of my tickets
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
[Enter a password]
[Password must contain at least two capitals]
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.