My wedding will be open casket.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
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Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*
“It was me. I shit on the rug”
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
Shouldn’t there have been ONE scene in The Karate Kid where Daniel’s mom was like “Why are you constantly in that old man’s shed?”
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
The Orthodontist wants to pull my daughter’s 2 loose baby teeth & charge me $250. I bought the biggest bag of caramels I could find for $5.