We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
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Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*