We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
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Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
for all #parents out there
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.