We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
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me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
Why is everyone getting married at me
same bro
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.