@EJGomez

“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man

You Might Also Like

@DaddyJew

Daddy can u get me a drink?

“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”

Fine *goes to fridge

“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”

@XLToast

No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.

@Moanhamed

OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON

@pleatedjeans

“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter

@UnicornSyrup

My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.

@Dani_Feld

Me: Table for one, please.

Waiter: Would you like to see the men–

Me: YES.

@ShutUpThatsWho

[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..

@Busocco

I combined two hit games and made “Angry Words With Friends” where I just scream obsenities at people while throwing dead birds at them.

@oh_georgi

I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.

*gets on knees and undoes your belt*