“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
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I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
Okey dokey.
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.