Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
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No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
I combined two hit games and made “Angry Words With Friends” where I just scream obsenities at people while throwing dead birds at them.
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*