“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
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No one girl should have all that power. 😂
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.