We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
You Might Also Like
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
I was at the Doctors office and he said the nurse was coming to give me a shot. I said, ” can my day get any worse?” Dr said to relax and as he walked out he said, ” and prostate exam today too’
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
TWITTER IS NOT BACK IN BRAZIL YET
IT WAS A BUGQUICK I DONT HAVE MUCH TIME
THE KRABBY PATTY SECRET FORMULA IS-
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
I can’t deal with men any longer
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.