We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
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Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
Ken is short for chicken
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story