Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 馃槒 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
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I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let鈥檚 focus on finding your kid
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
Too bad you can鈥檛 get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
I鈥檒l never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I鈥檒l Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
This won鈥檛 work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that鈥檚 an excellent question about the job
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I鈥檓 99% positive I know those clowns.
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it鈥檒l be a best seller?
Editor: No, that鈥檚 not what I鈥檓 saying.
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?