We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such c**ts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.

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My neck tattoos are so big the three people after me don’t get hired either.


Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage


Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool


You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.


By age 35 you should run into friends and say “WE SHOULD HANG OUT SOON!” twice a week. You will never hang out. You’ll just scream this at each other until one of you dies.