There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
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*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT