We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
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customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom