We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.

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My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.


RUN FOREST!!! RUN!!! But the trees just stood there. Frozen with fear. In the end, the flames consumed them all.


Always go into an interview high so they’ll never be able to tell the difference in the future.


You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.


Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.


No, Autocorrect ….

the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –

though she can be devilish at times.


Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?


[wheel of fortune]

me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel


friend: just act mature
me: okay
[later on date]
her: so what do you do for fun?
me: *with a calm voice* my taxes


My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.

She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.