@Lisa_Laughs_

We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.

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@geraintgriffith

My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.

@Twisted_Mettle

RUN FOREST!!! RUN!!! But the trees just stood there. Frozen with fear. In the end, the flames consumed them all.

@just1fool

Always go into an interview high so they’ll never be able to tell the difference in the future.

@1Happytwit

You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.

@shariv67

Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.

@SteveKoehler22

No, Autocorrect ….

the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –

though she can be devilish at times.

@sliver_of

Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?

@duumb

[wheel of fortune]

me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel

@ohen39

friend: just act mature
me: okay
[later on date]
her: so what do you do for fun?
me: *with a calm voice* my taxes

@BradBroaddus

My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.

She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.