My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
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A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!