@TheMichaelRock

We could completely eliminate car thefts by making every car alarm sound like Hillary Clinton’s laugh.

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@laurajennyjo

“I forgot my phone, so what do u want to talk about?”

*knocks on stall wall* “Hello? Can u hear me?”

“I like your shoes…Hello?”
..

@KissabiX

The Lion King is my favourite film outlining why you shouldn’t trust your uncle

@unburdenunbound

Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*

@TheSharona06

For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.

@mommajessiec

Him: I’m feeling under the weather.

DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*

@nPhelendriqal

Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..

@animadvertguy

LAWYER: where were you Oct 13th?
ME: alibi school
LAWYER: can u prove this?
ME: wait, the 13th?
LAWYER: ya
ME: k no I was murdering that day

@loudmouth_usa

TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.

@longwall26

A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.