“I forgot my phone, so what do u want to talk about?”
*knocks on stall wall* “Hello? Can u hear me?”
“I like your shoes…Hello?”
We could completely eliminate car thefts by making every car alarm sound like Hillary Clinton’s laugh.
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The Lion King is my favourite film outlining why you shouldn’t trust your uncle
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
LAWYER: where were you Oct 13th?
ME: alibi school
LAWYER: can u prove this?
ME: wait, the 13th?
ME: k no I was murdering that day
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.