My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
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Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.