I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
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That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
this could fix me
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many