We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
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The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS