You know the meeting has gone completely downhill when someone suggests sacrificing a chicken.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
You Might Also Like
Why does Darkwing Duck wear a mask? You are a duck. No one could identify you without describing every other duck on earth.
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
I scared 5 and he buzzed while we played operation. He went and told my wife on me. Long story short, I’m sitting in timeout tweeting this.
*getting turned away at airport security*
But these are my emotional support bees
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
My purse is deeper than some people.
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.
Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.