We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.

Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!

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You know the meeting has gone completely downhill when someone suggests sacrificing a chicken.


Why does Darkwing Duck wear a mask? You are a duck. No one could identify you without describing every other duck on earth.


Him: You got Tik Tok?

Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?

Him: …

Me: *rattles can in front of him*


The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.


5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.

*pushes their faces together*

Me: Did they kiss and make up?

5: No. She headbutted him.


I scared 5 and he buzzed while we played operation. He went and told my wife on me. Long story short, I’m sitting in timeout tweeting this.


*getting turned away at airport security*
But these are my emotional support bees


SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M:  I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*


Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.

Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.