“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
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People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
This is a sub tweet
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex