I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
We desperately need something to unite humanity. No, not love or compassion. I’m talking about a full scale alien attack.
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Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
I run faster when I hear country music than sirens.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Sometimes I’ll start talking to someone on the train, then go “Oh, this is where I get off” then close my eyes & stick my hand in my pants.