@liv_thatsme

We desperately need something to unite humanity. No, not love or compassion. I’m talking about a full scale alien attack.

You Might Also Like

@Manda_like_wine

I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”

@WilliamAder

Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.

@MomOfTeen

Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.

@dmc1138

I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.

@sarah1mc

I run faster when I hear country music than sirens.

@iwearaonesie

Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5

The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless

@sixfootcandy

My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.

I guess she doesn’t remember me.

@MouthyMess

Sometimes I’ll start talking to someone on the train, then go “Oh, this is where I get off” then close my eyes & stick my hand in my pants.