We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.

~ The Disclaimers.

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Me: we just have such a close connection, you know? It feels like she could finish all of my sentences

Warden: that is absolutely not how this works


Son: The landscapers almost hit me with their truck.

Dad: So you’re saying they almost…

Mom: Don’t do it!

Dad: …mowed you down.


Jury duty

[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!


Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.


At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.


Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’


Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.

Change my mind.


A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.