@ojedge

We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.

~ The Disclaimers.

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@portmanteauface

Me: we just have such a close connection, you know? It feels like she could finish all of my sentences

Warden: that is absolutely not how this works

@gruffybeard

Son: The landscapers almost hit me with their truck.

Dad: So you’re saying they almost…

Mom: Don’t do it!

Dad: …mowed you down.

@aveuaskew

Jury duty

[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!

@birbigs

Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.

@simoncholland

At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.

@FuzzyDuck17

Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’

@UnFitz

Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.

Change my mind.

@Just__J0

A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.