I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
You Might Also Like
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
@Capt_Spanky’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
Investing in beetcoin