We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
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Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
Same pineapple, same
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”