To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
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Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce