We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning

—my thighs lying about the friction this summer

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They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.


Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?

Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night


Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.


It doesn’t matter if you can tell an Asian from a African elephant if it’s charging you

At that point, it’s irrelephant


At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.

This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.


Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.

GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds


Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage


Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.


Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.


I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another