@Tobi_Is_Fab

We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning

—my thighs lying about the friction this summer

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@kelkulus

They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.

@elle91

Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?

Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night

@KentWGraham

Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.

@Mr_Kapowski

It doesn’t matter if you can tell an Asian from a African elephant if it’s charging you

At that point, it’s irrelephant

@Parkerlawyer

At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.

This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.

@ArfMeasures

Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.

GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds

@TheDeducers

Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage

@yoyoha

Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.

@RobWeb79

Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.

@mrjohndarby

I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another