We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
You Might Also Like
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
A couple who are silly together stay together.
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.