@ibid78

“We do not negotiate with Pterodactyls.”- President Barack Obamasaurus

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@djdarrellripley

Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.

Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?

@Bob_Janke

say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets

@OakHill_

FINE!!

So I misread the ad

Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler

@vaniaperruzza

When you ask me a question, would you prefer the blank stare or the eye roll as a response?

I like to be prepared.

@funnybeachgirl

What’s white & falls from the sky?

“The coming of the Lord.”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.

@mommajessiec

Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.

@TheAndrewNadeau

ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked

@mattZillaaaa

I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined

@HousewifeOfHell

Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?