“We do not negotiate with Pterodactyls.”- President Barack Obamasaurus

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Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.

Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?


say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets



So I misread the ad

Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler


When you ask me a question, would you prefer the blank stare or the eye roll as a response?

I like to be prepared.


What’s white & falls from the sky?

“The coming of the Lord.”


…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.


Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.


ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked


I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined


Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?