We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
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Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”