papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
You Might Also Like
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.