We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
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My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis