@WilliamAder

We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.

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@StashTheTash

Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..

@Mr_Kapowski

Whoever is training cashiers to hand change back with the coins on top of paper currency, stop.

@UnFitz

[blind date]

Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.

Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*

@TheAlexNevil

*speed dating
Me (on phone): Okay, I’ll ask. (to date) My mom wants to know if you can drive me home.

@theshantilly

Therapist: How do you feel?

Me: With my hands.

T: Do you deflect a lot?

Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.

@heyitsJudeD

When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.

@3sunzzz

Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?

Me: Yes, I love potato salad.

Nutritionist: no