Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
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Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
Whoever is training cashiers to hand change back with the coins on top of paper currency, stop.
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
Me (on phone): Okay, I’ll ask. (to date) My mom wants to know if you can drive me home.
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.