@alextranquada

We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.

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@CantWaitToNap

It finally happened.

After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.

@junejuly12

Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song

@fro_vo

Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too

@LostFelicia

I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.

@Rollinintheseat

If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.

@QwertyJones3

Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.

@Home_Halfway

{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you

@bombfunk75

– Deletes FB account
– Leaves Social Media
– Moves to Himalayas
– Pigeon comes with a note
– Opens note
– Candycrush request

@fro_vo

Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*

@StephenKing

TIME wanted me to be their Person of the Year, but I said no! Won’t pose with Pennywise the Clown on my lap! Sorry, TIME! Sad!!!