I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
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I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
Waking on campus and some girl said, “I like you a lot.” And I turned around and said thank you and realized she talking to the guy with her
TSA: do you have anything to declare?
Me: *grabs the agent by the hand* I declare a thumb war
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
I learned 2 things at least when I was married
1. Always passcode lock your phone
2. Don’t use a nude pic of your gf as the lock screen