Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
You Might Also Like
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
My guardian angel deserves a raise
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
mom gave me mine for free
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.