We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
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The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life