We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
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*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
#gardening
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.