We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
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The internet is undefeated.. 😂
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*