@fightforfood

We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.

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@Ideal_Victoria

The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.

The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.

@InternetHippo

gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die

@birbigs

Twitter action film:

MAN 1: Follow me.

MAN 2: On Twitter?

MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.

MAN 2: On Twitter?

@thenatewolf

My targeted ads keep trying to sell me a new mattress. Come on, Google. Stop pretending like you don’t know exactly how much I have in the bank right now. Send me an ad for $5 footlongs or bulk rice or something.

@_salt_n_lime

Don’t tell me how to run my account and I won’t make a voodoo doll just to dunk your head in the toilet.

@jake_lach

You think you have your anger issues under control until someone starts telling an important story while they’re chewing

@DanMentos

[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern

@ShutUpThatsWho

*job interview*
Why do you want to be a psychiatrist?
*pictures clients acting like chickens after I click my fingers*
I want to help people

@bengulate

My signature move is falling in love with a beautiful girl, then giving her really good advice on how to date someone else.